If we have not yet been able to buy a bell or set up a Breathing Room at our home, we can use a cake. It is a very special cake that is not made of flour and sugar like a sponge cake. We can keep eating it, and it is never finished. It is called The Cake in the Refrigerator.

Practice

There will come a day when your child is sitting in the living room, and she sees that her parents are about to lose their temper with each other. As soon as the atmosphere becomes heavy and unpleasant, she can use the practice of the cake to restore harmony in your family. First of all, she breathes in and out three times to give herself enough courage, and then she looks at her mother and says to her:

"Mommy, Mommy." Of course she can do this with her father, a grandparent, or any other adult that takes care of her as well. Her mother will look at her and ask, "What is it, my child?" And she will say, "I remember that we have a cake in the refrigerator." Whether or not there is really a cake in the refrigerator does not matter.

Saying "there is a cake in the refrigerator" really means: "Parents, don't make each other suffer anymore." When they hear these words, her parents will understand. Her mother will look at her and say: "Quite right! Will you go outside and arrange the chairs for a picnic while I go and fetch the cake and the tea." When mother says this, she has already found a way out of the dangerous situation. Her daughter can run out on the porch and wait for her. The mother now has an opportunity to withdraw from the fight. Before the child spoke up, her mother could not stand up and leave since it would be very impolite, and it might pour more oil onto the flames of the other parent's anger. Now, the mother can go into the kitchen. As she opens the refrigerator to take out the cake and boils the water to make the tea, she can follow her breathing. If there is no real cake in the refrigerator, don't worry, she will find something to substitute for the cake. As she prepares the cake and tea, she can smile the half smile to feel lighter in body and spirit.

While the other parent is sitting alone in the living room, he can begin to practice breathing in mindfulness. Gradually his hot temper will calm down. After the tea and the cake have been placed on the table, he may walk out slowly onto the porch to join the tea party in an atmosphere that is light and full of understanding. If the parent inside is hesitant to come out, then the child can run into the house, take his hand, and coax him out by saying, "Please come and have some tea and cake with me."

See The Art of Communicating for more ideas on how to handle relational and other kinds of conflict.

Practice